Random Picture Challenge 4.0

Here my first go at Brittany's Random Picture Challenge:



This was taken on our first family cruise. Unfortuntately, Stonewall was on his first deployment to Iraq, so he wasn't with us.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

I stood in the shower this evening, crying, because sometimes I just feel like I can't do this. Having a new baby is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, but sometimes I think it's the worst because of how frustrated I feel.

When I look at Sammy and I'm holding him, nothing else matters. Not the laundry or the clutter or whether or not I've showered or eaten lunch. I love when he looks up at me and makes his cute little baby faces and his cooing pigeon and pterodactyl cries that make me laugh. Even this evening when he spit up down the inside of my shirt, I just wanted to cuddle him. When I'm fully focused on Sammy, I feel really good. Then when I realize something else needs my attention I feel frustrated. I feel like if Sammy needs my attention, but I can't give it to him, then I'm failing him. And when Sammy doesn't need my attention, I just want to take some time to relax and read or shower or eat, but then I feel guilty because I think I should be cleaning or doing laundry because that needs to get done as well.

I've never felt so confused or frustrated about what I should or shouldn't be doing. I wish Stonewall were here.

Mommy's sweet boy

Sammy's First Month

Our little man was one month old on January 27! He had a doctor's appointment this morning and everything about him is wonderful. He weighed in at 10 pounds 14 ounces and he is 22.75 inches long. The doctor said he's a beautiful baby!

OMG! YAY!!

I just discovered that I have a digital camera card slot in my computer!! I am so friggin' excited! I have had this computer for two years and I never knew this. I love discovering new things like this. (What? So it doesn't take much to get me excited.)

Sammy's Home, Stonewall's In Iraq, and Other News

Sammy and I both made it through our first night apart. While I was awake I missed him like crazy, but while I was getting my 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I was in heaven. And according to my parents Sammy had a very good night and slept about 4 hours at a time (something he is already not doing tonight, by the way). Sammy is home now and I'm happy to have him back because I did wake up in a panic last night wondering why he wasn't crying and thinking I had to feed him.

On another topic...

If you have never raised a baby by yourself then you have no idea what it takes, so don't judge me when you ask me about it. My dad had a get-together yesterday evening and the question of the hour was, "So how's he sleeping for you at night?" To which I would answer, "Not so well. He wakes up to be fed every 2 to 3 hours." I had a few people give me a look that said, "Did you not know babies need to be fed every couple of hours? And you're complaining about 3 hours?" I even had someone say, "Oh, well, that's not too bad."

Okay, let me explain how it works. If Sammy cries to be fed at 3AM, I have to get up, make a bottle, feed him, and then I get to go back to bed. By now, its about 3:45. When I say he eats every 2 to 3 hours that's from 3AM. Which means he's crying again to be fed between 5:00 and 6:00, so I've had about an hour to two hours of time to get some sleep. Now lets also keep in mind that I'm the one who determines that he eats every 2 to 3 hours. Sammy cries about every hour, if not more. Every time he cries I check on him to make sure he hasn't thrown up on himself and that he hasn't had an explosion in his diaper. So if I'm lucky I get one hour of uninterrupted sleep at a time.

So please don't tell me, "That's not too bad." and look at me like I'm ungrateful because I complain a bit about "2 to 3 hours."

Okay, I'm done bitching now.

On another topic...

Stonewall is in Iraq now. I haven't heard from him to be 100% sure, but he told me when he was supposed to be heading in.

I miss him. I miss kissing him and hugging him and having dinner with him and watching movies with him and doing the bow-chicca-wow-wow with him. I also miss him being here with Sammy. I wish he was here to see Sammy beginning to actually smile and to see how he's starting to look like me and how he's getting so big. It's killing me that he's missing this part of Sammy's life and if I feel this way, I can only imagine what it's doing to Stonewall.

And on a final topic of the evening...

I love this commercial!

My First Night Without Baby

Sammy and I are spending our first night apart. Grammy and Pop-Pop (my mom and stepdad) are babysitting Sammy tonight and tomorrow so I can get a full night of sleep, which I desperately need. It was hard leaving him though. I know he's in good hands, but I was missing him before I even left their house. I'm missing him so much right now, but I'm just trying to relax and enjoy this free time.

What They Don't Tell You About Motherhood

I'm a magazine addict, so before Sammy was born I read every pregnancy magazine I could get my hands on. While they were pretty informative there are some things that they do not prepare you for when it comes to motherhood.

1. C-Sections suck! Granted, I've never given birth vaginally, but I can't imagine that it is worse than a c-section. Why do people schedule these things for anything other than a medically necessary reason?! My ten inch incision, which will no doubt lead to a ten inch scar, hurts! Pants of any kind are my worst enemy as they rub and irritate my (have I mentioned?) ten inch incision. And since c-sections are considered major surgery, after all I was cut open and left with a (say it with me now) ten inch incision, I can't lift much more than Sammy, stairs can be tricky, and my body feels like I've just lost a boxing match by about 5PM every day. I highly recommend that if it is not necessary for you to have a c-section, you don't. (For the record, I don't think giving birth by c-section is any less of a birthing experience than giving birth vaginally. Either way you are giving birth and it is nothing short of amazing.)

2. My mom warned me about this one, but I still wasn't totally prepared: After giving birth, you will have a jelly belly and it's nasty. All that extra stretched skin and fat just...hang there...and...jiggle. So not attractive. It's not even like a pot belly. Instead it's just extra fatty skin just hanging there...ick.

3. Breastfeeding is weird. It's kinda cool, but it's also weird. Things leak and drip. It can be messy, but the mess is coming from you. It's kind of like when you slobber but don't realize it until you feel it dripping down your chin. And in literally one day I had to come to terms with my boobies going from "fun bags" to "food source."

4. There is a reason it takes two people to actually make a baby: Two is the best number to take care of and raise a baby. I have no one to take turns with when it comes to getting up at night and no one to keep Sammy happy when I'm making dinner or folding laundry and no one to get Sammy ready when I'm trying to get myself ready. I'm also worried that Sammy will miss out on some sort of male, father/son bonding experience that is necessary in the first few months of life. Or that he's going to have trust issues because there aren't two of us and someone to focus on Sammy 100% all of the time.

5. You will feel like a bad mother. I feel like I'm failing Sammy as a mom when I let him cry at night just so I can get some sleep or when I let him cry so I can make myself dinner at 10:00PM or when I let him cry so I can go potty. I feel like a bad mom when I have to feed him a bottle instead of breastfeed him because my boobies can't keep up with feedings every one hour and in the middle of the night a bottle is quicker than breastfeeding. I feel like a bad mom when I can't figure why Sammy's crying and he just ate and his diaper is dry. I feel like a bad mom because I get frustrated sometimes. I also feel like a bad mom to my pups because I can't give them the attention I used to give them. The thing is I know I'm not a bad mom...I'm just a single mom for the next eight months.

6. It's true what they say: You have no idea how much you can love someone until you're a mother. I was so not prepared to care about and worry about and fret over and love someone as much as I do with Sammy.

While He's Sleeping and Not Crying...

Whew! Okay, so five days ago I promised I'd write...and I was about to write that Sam is sleeping, but never mind. I'll be back...hopefully sooner than 5 days from now.

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Okay, so two hours later...

I'm not very good at the whole "let him cry" thing. My little man has me pretty well trained. He cries and I come a runnin'. However, I'm slowly learning that sometimes I need to let him cry or else I'll go crazy. Once Stonewall left, the first 2 weeks I was by myself I only got about four hours of non-consecutive sleep. I was miserable and frustrated. Now the past couple of nights, as long as I know Sammy's fed and dry, I just let him cry. Three hours of consecutive sleep has never felt so wonderful. Now I need to work on letting him cry during the day because my house is starting to look like something on "Clean House" (Okay, a bit of an exaggeration) and I'm getting tired of eating dinner after 9:00 PM.

So other than the aforementioned issue, I'm settling into motherhood quite well. Obviously, I have the hardest time putting Sammy down. I want to cuddle and hold him all day long. He's so soft and warm and very very cuddly. He likes to snuggle his little body into mine and sleep. I can't resist his little upturned face and big blue eyes and make him sleep in his crib when I'm more than capable of holding him. I'm such a sucker for a cute face. Plus, now he's beginning to have real smiles. A majority of them are still baby gas smiles, but sometimes when I'm cooing at him he smiles at me and I fall even more in love with him and the chances of me putting him down drop dramatically.

Well, Stonewall and I are no longer in the same country. That sucks. Watching him say goodbye to Sammy was probably the hardest thing I've ever witnessed. One week was not enough time with his newborn son.

I'm Back...Sorta Kinda

I'll write a longer post later, I promise. However, it took me about 3 hours to leave about 10 comments on other blogs because I have to type one-handed since my other hand is full right now:

I just hate putting him down.